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thoughts on eating real food when i’ve had nothing but jello

Raise your hand if you’ve had a colonoscopy.

First of all: shame on you! Do you even know your family history of colon cancer? It’s a painless procedure! You could have little polyps in there and HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW?! How old are you? Isn’t it time?

Second of all (for the rest of you): way to go! You are taking care of your health and I’m so proud of you.

BONUS ROUND: Raise your hand if your hand if you’ve had an endoscopy.

So, as if you couldn’t guess, I’m sitting over here with both hands raised (and yet, typing? I’m amazing) because yesterday I had both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Not my first. Or second. Honestly I can’t remember how many times I have had these scopes done.

Prepping for the colonoscopy requires a clear liquid diet — basically jello and chicken broth — the day before the procedure and drinking the worst tasting concoction ever the afternoon before. AND 4AM the morning of. To clear out the colon, you see. *ahem*

It’s not my favorite.

Prepping for the endoscopy only requires no food after midnight the night before. Obviously no food the morning of. And obviously I had that taken care of with the Colon Blow rigamarole.

So if all is well and good, you can resume eating the evening after the procedure. If all is not as well and good you cannot. And my esophagus requires a little extra care so I have eaten nothing but jello and chicken broth for the last I-can’t-tell-you-how-many hours because I CAN’T DO MATH WHEN I’M HUNGRY.

Also, why is it when I’m hungry everything smells like food? I used a new face serum last night and almost ate it. But also? Why is it after you’ve gone without real food for so long you’re not even sure if you even want to eat again? Related: Sometimes I lose my train of thought when I’m hungry.

I don’t know what I was saying. But I do know that in about an hour it’s OK for me to eat again. It was suggested to me to start with easy, gentle foods. At 10AM I’m going to have a banana. I’m so excited. And if I feel ok after? I’m going to have vanilla greek yogurt. AND THEN? A potato. So basically I’m a baby.

Except I can have COFFEE. So take that, babies.