not feeling it

I’m not feeling 2016, y’all. I’m just not. And you can’t make me so don’t even try.

Honestly 2015 was kind of a crappy year for me and I’m happy to be done with it. But 2016? What’s that? It’s like the future, man. Cars should be flying. Hoverboards should be hovering. My house should be in space. I should have a robot maid. I don’t even KNOW any robots. This future sucks.

I mean, shouldn’t I at least have a droid? Star Wars claims it was “a long time ago” and they had more droids than they could even handle. I don’t even know how to make the Bluetooth in my car work. We failed the future. FAILED. I mean, should I feel like we’ve made progress because my phone is also a camera and I can put it in my pocket? Well, guess what? It mostly SUCKS as a phone. And I already had a camera I could put in my pocket. So bite me, technology.

What about our future is even futuristic? Our cartoons and movies told us space was the future. The final frontier even. AND DO WE EVEN HAVE A SPACE PROGRAM ANYMORE???

And I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been a hologram. Who has? Kayne and Michael Jackson? That hardly counts.

Why should I be hopeful about the future? Whitney Houston said the children are our future. And now she’s dead and the children are spoiled smart alecks. That does not inspire me AT ALL. So thanks a lot Whitney Houston. Now I don’t even like children.

I mean GOD — could somebody at least invent a margarita delivery service? Oh, that’s a thing? Well holy crap, why don’t I have that at my house?! I never get the good stuff. I bet my old house has it. All the good stuff happens when I leave.

You guys. I need some good future stuff happening if you want me to take part in this 2016 business. For crap’s sake, we are living in a world where people support Biff Trump for PRESIDENT. This is not the future I want. This is not the future anybody should want.

Just know that when I write the wrong year I’m doing it on purpose. I just can’t with 2016 yet.

Dammit. Now I’m out of coffee. Where’s my robot maid when I need her?

2016

Comments

  1. One word. Erma.

    Two Words. Hotel bar.

    Three words. Best Friends Forever.

    Four words. Do you play ukulele?