christmas, cleaning, December, gifts, holidays, housekeeping, silliness, suburbs

You didn’t ask, but here’s what you can get me for Christmas

Christmas is coming. The goose is not getting fat, but my kids’ Christmas Lists are bursting at the margins. Yet no one — not one person — has asked me for MY Christmas List.

Perhaps I am an intimidating presence, what with my ability to carry two loads of laundry at once and all. I can see how my family might not want to interrupt me in the midst of my responsibilities and bother me with such a silly request.

Despite not being asked, I took the liberty of putting together a “want” list for myself. Feel free to use it for yourself if it applies:

1. Pajamas that are acceptable to wear at the bus stop or when dropping my child off at school. Now that I read this again I’m pretty sure I just described yoga pants.

2. Someone to clean, cook, and do the grocery shopping. You know what? Just get me a wife.

3. My five year old daughter to quit saying fart all the time. Also to quit farting all the time.

4. All the checkout lines at Target and Costco to be as well manned the rest of the year as they are in December.

5. HBO

6. Fewer chin hairs.

7. The talent of selective hearing that my husband seems to have.

8. For women and girls to be treated as and seen as true equals to men and boys.

9. Buns of steel.

10. Whiskey on the rocks with a splash of club soda. KIDDING. I’ll need that whole bottle, thanks.

P.S. Please send this to my husband; if I send it he won’t read it.

unsolicited-xmas-list