Will It Ever Stop?

Yo. I don’t know.

(I should tell you that the song “Ice, Ice Baby” was nominated for a Grammy. In 1991. A fact that is both educational and sobering.)

I’m not rocking a mic like a vandal but I am mothering to the extreme.

I am parenting in a world with which I am unfamiliar. I don’t know the rules so I make them up as I go. Maybe my rules are a little too strict sometimes.

I mean, is it really terrible if my five year-old watches TV all day long one day a week? Also on my list of transgressions: I pretty much never send a homemade, packed lunch to school with my kids. I haven’t had lunch with my third grader at school once this year. I am terrible at french braiding. And? My house is so, so dirty.

DO I SOUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON TO YOU? That’s only because you don’t know. You don’t know how it is out here for moms — probably dads, too — faced with all these ridiculous first-world problems. Caught up in a hustle we never intended to join. I don’t even do any of the extra things and the hustle gets to me. What about the families who have more than two kids (bless you) and when all of those kids do all of the things?

I’m convinced families with many children involved in many activities just sleep in their cars. They probably have mini-fridges in there, too. And WiFi. Really, my kids literally do no activities and I can’t keep up. My oldest had a before-school club last week (I don’t count that as a real activity) that we almost forgot about and that about ruined my day. I mean, there wasn’t even time for me to have coffee first.

So basically because I require coffee and don’t sleep in my car my children will not get in to college.

Today I’m struggling with making my child’s birthday (which is today) less than terrible and making sure I have all the things for her birthday party on Friday (wherein “all of the things” means “cake mix” and “frosting”) all while tip-toeing around the piles of crap in my house and wiping the crumbs off the bottom of my feet.

Cleaning AND throwing a birthday party all the in same week? WHY WAS THERE NOT A CLASS ON THIS IN COLLEGE?

Parenting is hard.

“Anything less than the best is a felony…”

Vanilla Ice, I have taken heed: You ARE a lyrical poet.

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