I have up days and down days. I prefer not to write posts on my down days. But today I did. So consider this your spoiler alert: today is a down day.
There doesn’t have to be a reason for a down day. I could probably list some things that aren’t helping. Or maybe it’s that those things feel bigger on a down day. I don’t know.
This was the first week both girls were back in school. I had many to-do’s to catch up on. I only achieved half of what I intended. The silence at home was nice. And it wasn’t. I feel like I have to reinvent myself right now.
I’m not super mom. I don’t sign up for all the committees or make all the crafts or bake all the goodies or do any of the things. And yet I feel overwhelmed at the beginning of the school year.
It’s an abrupt shift from summer break. Suddenly I have to be on top of things and remember to pack lunches or sign papers or wash underwear. The school year is not as forgiving as summer break, when we could forgo bathing on a regular schedule and have a spontaneous movie night.
Despite the shift, there was no crying on the first day of school. But it was hard to keep it together. For me and for my third grader. My preschooler started back last week and was so excited. We were never in danger of tears with that one.
I don’t think it’s a enough to just show up, which is all it seems like I do for them. I’m trying to get my 8 year-old into any activity, to give her opportunities I did not have, to enrich her life. But she resists. My 4 year-old was begging for Kinderdance. I obliged and registered.
When I feel overwhelmed it is often of my own doing. Thinking I need to be better or more or something other than what I am to my children and my husband. But it is also abetted by life outside the walls of my house. By war and accidents and illness and all of the things that can go wrong. My anxiety and depression put me on high alert when it comes to these things.
And so I am overwhelmed. But I accept it. I’ll ride it until I have an up day and it all doesn’t feel so overwhelming. And on that day I’ll write happier things.